“Smiles on thee, on me, on all,
Who became an infant small;
Infant smiles are His own smiles;
Heaven and earth to peace beguiles.”
Out of all the darkness that has been overtaking the life that I’ve carved out for myself, there is a single ray of light. All of the books, those important tomes that teach us how to supposedly live our lives, claim that the greatest treasure that any sentient being can give is children. Children are the innocence of this world. They come into this world blind, deaf and scared and reliant on their parents to provide for them. They are so gentle to me, that innocence a refresh from all the filth that coats this existence. They are a breath of fresh air. Terrifying and awe-inspiring, beautiful and horrible, good and bad, all wrapped in this tiny helpless package.
I am not pregnant. I want to put that out there right now. This joy is not mine to hold, but it does not mean that I am any less ecstatic and scared. My little sister is carrying her love’s child, what might be the last connection to him. All those fertility deities in the Egyptian pantheon, I’m not too surprised, though I wish he was here so he could stand by her side and support her, see their child as he or she grows. However he’s not here and as her honorary sister, I am doing all that I can to make her life easier.
I swear to you little baby this: I will be the best aunt that can be. I will watch over you and guard you as if you had come from my womb. I will make sure that you and your mother are taken care of and happy, or as happy as she can be. I will make sure that she takes care of herself for you. Will make sure she eats and sleeps. You and your mama are my family, the only two that I have right now. You are important and loved already, you are someone that I look forward to meeting and learning about and I love you already. So be good to your mama, treat her right. Don’t make her life too much harder.
Children are a blessing, one that I don’t think I’ll ever know. But through Astrid’s child I’ll be able to experience a little portion of it and I’m absurdly excited for this part of all of our lives.