The Heavy Heart

“Music I heard with you was more than music,
And bread I broke with you was more than bread;
Now that I am without you, all is desolate;
All that was once so beautiful is dead”
~Conrad Aiken

It’s been such a long while since my last journal post. The post was so happy and hopeful that it just hurts coming back to this blog for my hope is dwindling and failing me. Each day that passes just presses like a stone upon my heart. My heart is holding up the weight of it all like Atlas with the world upon his shoulders.

The days between the last post and the events that were the catalyst of this all were full of so much joy. So much wonder and newness, it just filled me. I felt like I was walking on air, nothing could pierce that bubble. Except something did pierce that bubble, that small sphere of peace that I had earned.

He is gone. Those three words repeat over and over in my heart, buried so deep out of sheer necessity. I can’t tell you where he is, or how long he’s been gone. At this point it feels like forever since I’ve held his hand and knew peace for the first time in a very long time. All that needs to be said is that he is gone, they are gone and Astrid and I suffer.

But we haven’t given up hope yet. We have grown closer out of this tragedy. She is truly my sister of the heart and I know that Bastion would want me to keep her safe. So out of my love for him I will do so. Out of the love and care I hold for her, I will live and fight for him and her. I will fight for our family. I never got to tell him that I loved him while he was in this plane of existence and I know that he will likely never see this post, but I will put this out in the open, for so much of our lives were lived in the shadows: I, Valene Silverpard, do love you Sebastion Muircastle.

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