“And wilt thou have me fashion into speech
The love I bear thee, finding words enough,
And hold the torch out, while the winds are rough,
Between our faces, to cast light on each?—”
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning
What exactly is love? I sit here and ask myself that question over and over. I’ve heard so many mushy and sweet sayings about true love, about how it makes you a better person, makes you do crazy things. I don’t know how much I truly believe that. To say I’ve never known love is a falsitude. For as much as my parents had no idea what to do with their odd little blind daughter, I knew for a fact that they loved me. My mother would sing me to sleep, brush my hair and make certain I knew I was cared about My father, though very absent-minded, would let me sit on his lap some nights and he’d tell me stories, fantastical stories that were my escape from a word that pretty much sucked. But that’s not the kind of love that I’m speaking about. A parent should love their children, love and care for them, any parent that can’t love them truly doesn’t deserve a child.
So besides from that parental and familial love, I’ve never known what love is, what it felt like. I never held any hope that I would know it, because of what I am and who I am. I had given up hope and just as I had settled down into the knowledge that I’m meant to be alone, someone came up and threw my world upside down. I’ve written about Bastion in a few other posts, from our first meeting to the craziness that happened to drive me into staying with him, his sister and their reclusive roommate. However, once the darkness faded and the fear let go of it’s hold on me, I find that I’m still in their home. First it was because my home was being repaired and than…well and than I don’t know. I just never left.
The night that changed everything started on an amusing enough note. I was sitting in my customary spot in the library singing along to Cell Block Tango from Chicago, a very well known and hilarious man-hater song. Out fo nowhere Bastion threw the gauntlet at me singing Santeria by Sublime. I admitted I had to laugh and I sang the chorus of Cowboy Casanova at him. On and on we went before I decided to up the stakes. I am not going into details, especially not here but it’s likely very obvious that I have no experience with men, so I decided to do something about that, sitting in his lap and singing the most mild part of the most sexually luring song that I knew. Bastion surprised me by singing a large part of a song so romantic and sweet…I just couldn’t believe it, so I followed up with a song that could have been written for he and I, “Come To Me” by the Goo Goo Dolls. What happened afterwards is NSFW and I’m not going to type it out, but afterwards, as I’m cuddling against him, I could just feel the love in his heart, the love and fear that he couldn’t speak to me…and I couldn’t say back to him.
But there is something there, something that might be love, I’m scared to think about it…scared to think someone might love me in a way that I’ve never been loved. I’m scared that he’s going to break my heart, but at the same time…I can’t help but fall more and more in love with him everyday. He’s my Bastion, My Sir Grouch, my friend, confidant and vocal sparring partner. My equal but opposite.
PS. He also wants me to move in with them all permanently. I said yes.